summertime in the burg

so when i stumble off the path....i know my heart will guide me there....words from the one and only E. Badu.

As I lie here next to you, all I want to do is write. Write something. I don't know what the hell it can be but its got to be something. Stronger than anything I have ever written before. I am content with the fact that finally I am a Master. I am finally somewhere else. Mentally and spiritually I have begun to free my mind.

I don't wanna talk to you. I just want to be. Like I was, with her once. I was jovial and child-like. Now, I am calculated and can be just down right cold. My love for her has transformed into a strange distaste. I am tired of thinking about what we could have been. I want to be here in this space....in this moment....in this experience. But, I can't because the other she has me captivated by her charm regardless of her inability to value my love.

captivated by ur love
sitting in the dark room
only light is from a distant bathroom
piercing into our hearts
we walk
down the corridor
into a new future
writing our white horse
u pick me up
from this place of despair
its been all u
this entire time
picking me up
because i can't hold myself
stop
for one moment and see me
as i see myself
the imperfect reflection
biting back at me
growling because thats all we know how to do
screaming keep the
pentameter
but i cant
we are rogue
smiling back at u
goodbye

sleeping in

i am in love with nikki minaj. that phrase has been in my head for the past 30 minutes...well since i decided to get up and start ding stuff. but i haven't really done anything. i learned last night a startling truth about myself. i am a moderate. we were in class talking about undocumented aliens and their role in our Higher Education institution. this is what i believe:undocumented people should not be able to come into the United States of America. they should not be able to attend institutions of Higher Education. they should not be able to work or receive any benefits that Americans enjoy. i know, i know undocumented people are here for a better opportunity. i understand this. i think it bothers me because it is currently against the law. additionally, i think we have enough Americans searching for their own American Dream. I think, for instance that Mexican undocumented workers should stay in their country and do one of two things. they should have to go through the proper channels(regardless of difficulty) to attain their documents for citizenship or stay in their home country. I know it might be difficult and challenging but we have hyphenated Americans that have fought for a very long time, almost 500 years now to be free and for their slice of the pie. How dare undocumented workers be able to circumvent the system? that's just what i believe. now, when being undocumented is not against the law, i could see myself supporting them and getting their opportunity. but, until then just as i fight the good fight against underage drinking (because it's the law), i will not agree that undocumented aliens should be here in America. period.

day 1

Whether or not I am there, tomorrow will come. Before bed, I have these thoughts of what tomorrow might look like. Will she be dressed in a gown made of gold. Will she be high class? Will she stop for a moment and breathe. Just as I want to. I feel like she won’t. She will keep running. Running right past everyone.  Going faster and faster. Moving like the brush of wind that passes my face as I sit here under the fan that calms my soul. I wonder what tomorrow will wear. Will she wear a mini skirt and let everyone see her goodies. She should give a sneak preview to a few people. Like babies. But, I think she already does. Babies get to see what we, adults, don’t want to see. They get to see the inner parts of us. We don’t want to see those inner parts because they are not always so clean. Those inner parts are dirty and damaged and hurt. They are like the inside of an old beat up car. Rusted and screwed up. But it’s something classic about those inner parts. They make up the entire car. I wonder what tomorrow will say. Will she quietly pass on by or will she make a huge thump in the presence of all that will listen. Did today piss her off. Probably. Because tomorrow might not be ready to perform and today went by just as quickly. But yesterday, see he is good. He’s done this before. He’s done what tomorrow is about to do. he’s given the world something to hold on to. Memories. Yesterday allowed me to become who I am today and hope for what I am tomorrow. Yesterday gave me my breath of fresh air when it seemed like all was closing in on me and the walls were being painted with my thoughts of rage and confusion and apparent misguidedness. See, yesterday is concerned about me. He rubs the back of my ear and calms me. He makes me remember that this don’t last always and that I have been here. I have seen the way this story ends and its ok. It’ll end whether or not I am there. It will come, whether or not I am there.

235.5

day 4

day 3

all i want to do is wake up one morning and not feel this feeling. i feel like living is barely surviving. i feel like living is waiting to die. i don't want it to be like this. i try to find little meanings in my life. but they don't really turn out that way. i remember when i first met you. i didn't even want to get to know you. u were with her. she was the enemy. she was a target. i had to hit. i jut did. it was a fun game. a bit distracting. nonetheless it was fun. it was cool. it was a chase. but nothing now means anything without you. i can look at the keyboard without typing. i could before i typed. at least, we will be friends. thats what i tell myself when my heart hurts from wanting you. i have downloaded it total about 78 songs so far. there are so many more. i have 9 more days. imagine that. i want to give you every song that makes me laff smile cry. i want you to know what makes me. i want to give you every word that i know but we dont have time for it. i cant. this world that i have come to know and love has shattered. its like a snow globe that someone has thrown on the floor. and bits and pieces of the snow man are across the living room floor. this hurts way worse than that day when my mom initiially asked me if i were gay. my dad beat me that day. i am still quite hurt by that. it was so painful. our parents are not perfect but i felt so imperfect that day. i strive everyday to be the best. or at least i tell myself thats the truth. at least thats what i tell myself. i didnt work out today. when will i start? i pray tomorrow. i cant believe its such a struggle? its so friggin weird. i want to be smaller but i dont put in the work. i got ta put in the work.

no tomorrow

everyday, i have these faint voices in my head that start off as such. throughout the day, they get louder and louder until, i get back into bed and all i can hear is this one voice that prevails. it simply says---wait for it---GREATER.

I want to live until I am 83, have children, that have children and then they too, shall have children. Leaving ole Tab dear with Great Grandchildren. The day will come when I will cry. Cry because of all of the unused time that I could have used calling my very own grandmother or time that will creep up the hairs on the back of my neck and remind me that i have lost it. or the time, that glances over at me as i begin to tune out every useful word any one has ever told me. better yet, the time that it takes to get from my apt. to the living room of the house that has seen so many fights between my mother and i. or the time that has become animate throughout the conversation that i am having with this computer that has taken my hands and transformed them into a pen to document, exactly how painful time has been to me. it hasn't healed in the ways that EVERYONE said its supposed to. Nor has this time guy, helped me move from one place to another. time has fooled everyone, including you and.....me. it fooled me into thinking that there tomorrow will inevitably come. and friend of mine....dear friend, it shall come, in undoubtedly WILL come. whether or not you will be apart of the history that tomorrow will bring...that my friend, is the test. the test of time.

no pun intended.