day 4

day 3

all i want to do is wake up one morning and not feel this feeling. i feel like living is barely surviving. i feel like living is waiting to die. i don't want it to be like this. i try to find little meanings in my life. but they don't really turn out that way. i remember when i first met you. i didn't even want to get to know you. u were with her. she was the enemy. she was a target. i had to hit. i jut did. it was a fun game. a bit distracting. nonetheless it was fun. it was cool. it was a chase. but nothing now means anything without you. i can look at the keyboard without typing. i could before i typed. at least, we will be friends. thats what i tell myself when my heart hurts from wanting you. i have downloaded it total about 78 songs so far. there are so many more. i have 9 more days. imagine that. i want to give you every song that makes me laff smile cry. i want you to know what makes me. i want to give you every word that i know but we dont have time for it. i cant. this world that i have come to know and love has shattered. its like a snow globe that someone has thrown on the floor. and bits and pieces of the snow man are across the living room floor. this hurts way worse than that day when my mom initiially asked me if i were gay. my dad beat me that day. i am still quite hurt by that. it was so painful. our parents are not perfect but i felt so imperfect that day. i strive everyday to be the best. or at least i tell myself thats the truth. at least thats what i tell myself. i didnt work out today. when will i start? i pray tomorrow. i cant believe its such a struggle? its so friggin weird. i want to be smaller but i dont put in the work. i got ta put in the work.

no tomorrow

everyday, i have these faint voices in my head that start off as such. throughout the day, they get louder and louder until, i get back into bed and all i can hear is this one voice that prevails. it simply says---wait for it---GREATER.

I want to live until I am 83, have children, that have children and then they too, shall have children. Leaving ole Tab dear with Great Grandchildren. The day will come when I will cry. Cry because of all of the unused time that I could have used calling my very own grandmother or time that will creep up the hairs on the back of my neck and remind me that i have lost it. or the time, that glances over at me as i begin to tune out every useful word any one has ever told me. better yet, the time that it takes to get from my apt. to the living room of the house that has seen so many fights between my mother and i. or the time that has become animate throughout the conversation that i am having with this computer that has taken my hands and transformed them into a pen to document, exactly how painful time has been to me. it hasn't healed in the ways that EVERYONE said its supposed to. Nor has this time guy, helped me move from one place to another. time has fooled everyone, including you and.....me. it fooled me into thinking that there tomorrow will inevitably come. and friend of mine....dear friend, it shall come, in undoubtedly WILL come. whether or not you will be apart of the history that tomorrow will bring...that my friend, is the test. the test of time.

no pun intended.