day 4

day 3

all i want to do is wake up one morning and not feel this feeling. i feel like living is barely surviving. i feel like living is waiting to die. i don't want it to be like this. i try to find little meanings in my life. but they don't really turn out that way. i remember when i first met you. i didn't even want to get to know you. u were with her. she was the enemy. she was a target. i had to hit. i jut did. it was a fun game. a bit distracting. nonetheless it was fun. it was cool. it was a chase. but nothing now means anything without you. i can look at the keyboard without typing. i could before i typed. at least, we will be friends. thats what i tell myself when my heart hurts from wanting you. i have downloaded it total about 78 songs so far. there are so many more. i have 9 more days. imagine that. i want to give you every song that makes me laff smile cry. i want you to know what makes me. i want to give you every word that i know but we dont have time for it. i cant. this world that i have come to know and love has shattered. its like a snow globe that someone has thrown on the floor. and bits and pieces of the snow man are across the living room floor. this hurts way worse than that day when my mom initiially asked me if i were gay. my dad beat me that day. i am still quite hurt by that. it was so painful. our parents are not perfect but i felt so imperfect that day. i strive everyday to be the best. or at least i tell myself thats the truth. at least thats what i tell myself. i didnt work out today. when will i start? i pray tomorrow. i cant believe its such a struggle? its so friggin weird. i want to be smaller but i dont put in the work. i got ta put in the work.